Random Rewrite #1: Nortel

Today, I'm beginning a recurring feature on C2C that I call "Random Rewrites," in which I randomly rewrite any piece of marketing, advertising or corporate communication that catches my eye.

Today's rewrite comes from a banner ad currently showing on the cnn.com landing page. I was struck my the shear volume of copy on the ad, as well its "inside baseball" language, so I clicked on it. Here's what the jump page said, followed by how I think it should read:

Unified or Mystified?

Gartner positions Nortel in the Leader's Quadrant in the 2007 Unified Communications Magic Quadrant. Gartner, the leading provider of research and analysis on the global information technology industry, positions Nortel in the Leader's quadrant of its Unified Communications Magic Quadrant report, published August 20, 2007 and authored by Bern Elliot.

The Magic Quadrant report positions vendors in one of four quadrants, based on a company's vision and ability to execute that vision. "The Leaders quadrant contains vendors selling comprehensive and integrated UC solutions that directly, or with well-defined partnerships, address the full range of market needs. These vendors have defined migration and evolution plans for their products in core UC areas and are using their solution sets to enter new clients into their client roster, and to expand their footprint in their existing client base in new function areas."

Register for the report by filling out the form below.

How should this copy read? I would suggest speaking from the audience's perspective, not assuming that they understand all of the jargon (especially "UC"), and adopting a smart tone that understands the larger economic context, offers a tangible and immediate benefit, and sounds as though it is informing and helping the reader:

[banner ad copy]

The Secret to Winning
in a Recession Is Here.

[jump site copy]

The economy is tightening. Uncertainty reigns. New efficiencies are essential.

Today, there’s no faster way to stabilize and boost margins than through UC: Unified Communications—merging desktop phone, legacy PBX and IP-PBX, Internet, voicemail and fax systems into a single streamlined profit center.

Who is the leader in this burgeoning field? Gartner Group, the world's most trusted global IT research firm, has named it.

Nortel.

Gartner Group placed Nortel in the Leader's Quadrant in its most recent Unified Communications Magic Quadrant. What does this mean to you? That a trusted third party ranks Nortel’s vision—and ability to execute that vision—among the very best.

We invite you to see the report for yourself. Simply take 60 seconds to register below, and you'll receive a full copy... free.